Reflections on 'How to Win Friends & Influence People'

I had never read Dale Carnegie's book "How to Win Friends and Influence People", though I had heard of it and it's influence through the ages.  I was interested to see what all the praise was about and how it had not only survived, but thrived, this many years later as a great work for business and interpersonal relations.

I think it was said at the beginning of class that this book was not revolutionary in it's teachings, it is everyday things that most people just hadn't verbalized, or didn't remember in their interactions with others.  I really enjoyed reading the book and seeing how Carnegie wove the sections and Principles together in a way that was more like a gentle reminder of how to behave than instructing.  It reminded me throughout that many of these principles stemmed from having good manners and that too often I feel that these manners are forgotten by most people.

I have heard many of the principles taught in various ways through leadership classes that I manage, such as: Be a good listener. Encourage others to talk about themselves.  I see this today in the skill of Active Listening that is taught.  Being open and interested in the other person, and not speaking or thinking to speak, while the other person is sharing their ideas or concerns.

Another Principle that I see in a slight variation is: Arose in the other person an eager want. When I was reading this section it brought to mind a variation of the Golden Rule, that is the Platinum Rule: Treat others as they want to be treated.  Several principles in this book had that running theme of know the other person and be courteous to them, or interested in them, or encouraging of them.  To be a good leader one of the most important things to remember, in my opinion, is that; it's not about you.

As I read these principles and reflected on if I was incorporating them in my life, I saw areas for improvement, as hopefully all leaders can see improvement in their actions and behaviors.  Some specific areas that I know I need to work on are:

Remember that a person's name is to that person the sweetest and most important sound in any language.  I confess that I am terrible at remembering names, even after meeting someone more than once.  I have found the best way for me to remember someones name is to write it down right away.  Often if I have met with someone, I will send them a follow up email, just so I have an occasion to use their name.  When I don't have the opportunity to write a name down, I struggle to put the name to the face the next time we meet.  This reading reinforced to me how important it is to develop this skill.

Let the other person feel that the idea is his or hers. I struggle with this principle in knowing how much of a seed to plant for an idea and how long to wait to poke at it to see if it is growing in someone else.  I am energized to try some of the suggestions and see if I can improve this skill, as it has benefits in work and home life! :)

Dramatize your ideas. This is hard for me, as my personality is all about facts and logic and I feel they should speak for themselves.  I know that the many different personalities like to recite information in different ways, and some like to have ideas that are sexy or intriguing presented to them.  I am hoping to work on this skill by partnering with others who have a flair for words and can help me translate boring ideas into a vision that others can follow or get excited about.

While these principles can be argued as manners, or common ideas, they are uncommon in action often.  A quote in the beginning of the book is a good reminder of why we should pick up this book every so often to re-read it and should tape the principles to our mirror;  "Only knowledge that is used sticks in your mind." (pg. XXV) To be a better leader, we have to take action on this knowledge we now have.

Self Reflection on How to Win Friends & Influence People

Dale Carnegie's book, How to Win Friends & Influence People, provides extreme leadership development opportunities for those who have read it. Dale does an excellent job at not only explaining his points of view but also giving successful examples with ordinary people that have used his techniques.

Being a successful leader requires numerous responsibilities and constant development. An effective leader must be genuine in his interest, responses, and approaches to their employees. If a leader is not genuine, the employee will notice and have an adverse affect to what the leader is trying to portray or accomplish.

If a leader wants to motive or change a behavior of an individual, they must make the individual feel as though the idea for change is their idea and it is in their best interest. Appeal to their motives will use the change as a challenge to better themselves or their performance.

A leader must never forget to praise improvement and constantly give positive feedback. Showing respect in a positive manor will feed off from you to your entire team. Having a positive team leads to positive results and positive customer service. Positivity, just like negativity, is contagious in any company.

Carnegie gave me many self-reflections from this book but they all can be summarized, a leader must be able to think outside of oneself and be able to address their audience's behaviors in order to produce the most effect response.

I have already taken some of the positivity approaches to change management and coaching into my team, which I currently have ten members. The 'yes, yes' approach has been proven successful so far in its use. When coaching I acknowledge my employee's strengths and lead them to notice their area of opportunity by asking yes questions. This has lead them to their own root cause which, in turn, has lead to a collaborative effort to make the opportunity into a strength.

Overall, Carnegie provided me with vital leadership development. I intend to watch my own posture, expressions, and other people's behaviors in order to produce the most effective and excited team.

How to win friends and influence people

In reading How to Win Friends and Influence People by Dale Carnegie, I found that many of the principles identified in the book were somewhat obvious or I could picture a good leader doing, but I found that I have a lot to work on to begin to include these principles in my own live and professional career. I’ve identified several strengths, weaknesses and takeaways below.

Strengths

The only way to get the best of an argument is to avoid it.

• I find that I do this fairly well, but probably more as a result of being non-confrontational. In group settings and professional environments, it bothers me when there is tension between people.

Talk about your own mistakes before criticizing the other person

• In my professional career, I have found that I am quick to admit and point out my own faults, I think it shows initiative, self-awareness and self respect to point out your own mistakes. I have also found, that if you do it first, and call attention to it, it makes the other person more relaxed, because they don’t have to find a way to say it to you without hurting your feelings.

Ask questions instead of giving direct orders

• This is a more recent skill that I have developed. I have found that this can be particularly useful with supervisors. Instead of announcing how you are going to solve the problem, it is tactful to say: “Would you like me to do…” or “Do you think it’s appropriate for me to…” This softens the tone of the request and allows for the other person to make his/her own suggestion to the problem.

Weaknesses 

Give honest sincere appreciation

• I find it difficult to steer clear of canned responses when giving appreciation. I think I can improve upon this by identifying at least one specific item that that person did particularly well, and include that in my appreciation.

Be a good listener. Encourage others to talk about themselves

• After reading this book, I realize how much I talk about myself in conversation and it is really gnawing and becoming annoying to me. They say “people love to hear themselves talk”…but not after this book, this brings a whole new awareness and consciousness of how much we talk about ourselves. I plan to make a conscientious effort to direct conversation away from me and learn more about other people.

Let the other person feel that the idea is his/hers.

• I think this is an important skill that I would like to learn how to develop. I think it can be very powerful if used correctly, and I would like to explore more examples of how this is successfully done, so I may apply this in my own life and professional career.